Fear & a unconquerable mindset

 

Hello lovelies,

It's been a hell of a year, if your going through hardships, if your heart or body is aching as you read this I hope that my writing reaches you. I am sending you all love, warmth and comfort through your screens. 

The world has become something we used to read in sci-fi novels with the exception of less toilet paper. Much, much less toilet paper, has everyone been having explosive diarrhea to require that many family packs? That’s too much information and an unsettling visual so moving swiftly on.

Societal norms are defined by success – what we do/how much we do, rather who we are. This is how marketing schemes work, firstly to believe that you are lacking something and that you need something to add further value/purpose in your life. Secondly, to make you feel insecure - as they offer you a 'panacea' that buying their product will make you happy or whatever their selling point is. We're misguided and begin to believe external things are required to make us happy, but internally is where we need to look. Though I am guilty of 'Add to cart' when I'm sad.

As a spoonie you may relate to this, everyday tasks are struggle, you may over exert yourself to prove your worth to yourself or those around you. Who you are inside, is what truly matters, not what you do. You ARE enough - even if your home is messy, or your still in your PJ's. If no one has told you yet, you look FINEE in those PJ's. If you meet your goals and expectations well done, you are a super star, but if not, well done anyway you are a superstar because you are still here. 

In a time of isolation we 

need connection. Thank you, to amazing communities like CISFA that are paramount to our wellbeing and quality of life. CISFA, has a powerhouse of admins, with hearts of gold, always there to offer you a comforting word.

Your mind is like water, the more resistance and time we spend avoiding a certain thought/feeling the more that feeling/thought arises. Here's a quick example, whatever you do, do not think about pink elephants, don't do it, your thinking it aren't you stop! - you can't our mind doesn't work like that. It causes our monkey-mind to run a mock in defiance, throwing banana's everywhere in a fit of rage. 

We cannot run from ourselves - eventually we exhaust ourselves by filling each moment of our time to avoid feeling inner conflict with our thoughts/emotions, we hate the thought of being alone with them. I think partly with chronic pain we learn to dissociate as a way to cope with the pain, however we then become disconnected to our emotions and feel a disconnect with ourselves.  We need to listen to the signals of our body – anxiety, depression, fear etc are signals – ‘emotions alert us to turn inwards and find where your inner smoke alarm is ringing.’ 

A therapist once told me, to imagine a bowl of water and if I try to resist my hand as it reaches for the surface of the water, I will eventually over exert myself and use up precious energy. However if I allow my hand to dip into the water, I'm conserving that energy for other important things. 

When we compress

our emotions the sticker they become. Our emotions need to flow so that they can shift, or they stagnate which may lead to dissociation or numbing ourselves with distractions in an attempt to fill that emptiness. There is no shame in having a good cry, express yourself through whatever means resonates with you. I find listening to pirate death metal effective, but most importantly be kind to yourself!

Besides, we cannot run from ourselves - eventually we exhaust ourselves by filling each moment of our time to avoid being alone with our thoughts. But what if we asked ourselves to turn towards our fears? In CBT therapy, when a client is seeking to overcome a phobia there is a process called ‘systematic desensitisation’ in other words, it’s a gradual process of slowly engaging with fear.

For example, if you were afraid of spiders, your first task might be to look at a picture of a spider, then read about spiders, watch videos of spiders, hold a toy spider, sit in a room with a real spider, until, you can hold a spider without fear. It’s a process, so please do not feel discouraged, little by little, explore fear like a curious scientist.  

What are you trying to add to your life? is that what you are also avoiding? For me it only gives me more time to overthink and catastrophise. It becomes a self-fulling prophecy, for example if you have social anxiety you may yearn for connection but you have taught yourself to stay isolated to avoid getting hurt, therefore you feel more isolated. 

If you have an infection, you stick a dressing over it but if you don’t take the time to cleanse it or let it breathe – it spreads. I’ve been guilty of this, till I became imprisoned by the walls of my fear, it felt like life was closing in on me. I was intent on avoiding anything that involved failure, rejection and anxiety - which of course involved everything. 

I recall this quote from game of thrones “Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid? ' 'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.”

Allow yourself time to breathe, we are in a time of trauma so there may be times we are stuck in a fight, flight, freeze survival response. Here are some useful tips when you've activated your survival response: 

• Ground yourself through your senses - What do you see around you? what do you feel, what are the sounds you hear? what smells? 
• Notice your breath - you can try diaphragmatic breathing which is a 4 second slow deep inhale into your stomach and then a slow deep exhale for 4 seconds.
• If you've grounded yourself and anchored your breath, the next step is to cultivate a feeling of safety. What do you need right now in order to feel safe? where is your safe place? - for me I love a good comfort blanket, disney movie, or listening to music. 

Did you know, the biology of plants showed that the stronger the wind in the plants ecosystem the stronger their root became? Anything that you are going through right now, see this as the wind, and your root as your awareness and connection to yourself, your fortitude is growing through those storms. You are a strong individual ‘the grass is greener where you water it.’

I’m reading Jay Shetty’s ‘Think like a Monk’ - you don’t need to be a Buddhist to read it, but it teaches us to construct a mindset that aligns with our core values. Jay said 'our identity is like a dusty mirror, the dust being the values others instil in us - we must wipe away the dust and underneath is where our true self lies.' 

There is a place for everyone in this world and this world is a better place with you in it. So, in the words of Invictus:

‘Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance,
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.’