Defences

When we hurt, however small, we're automatically reminded or 'triggered' with a memory of when we last felt that way. It's a cruel trick from our primitive brain but it has been very helpful in keeping us alive. 

A toddler is curious and naive to the world, their mother may say  'don't touch that food, it's too hot - let it cool' - the toddler then rebels in their eagerness to eat and burns their mouth. Next time they're more cautious. In a more primitive stance, your ancestor came face to face with a sabre tooth tiger - their past memories informed them how to approach this perceived threat. It's down to their analysing and self-preservation instinct that you are alive today. 

When I feel hurt, I distance myself as if to prepare myself for the 'inevitable' . What remains is this inescapable fear of abandonment no matter how distant I become and pretend to act like things don't bother me when they do, denial is another coping mechanism of mine.  I suppose it is a part of human nature to be prideful. 

My point being, we all have our own sets of behaviours and defence mechanisms that can transpire as a result of our attachment style. 'A search for a secure base - by Bowlby' is a great read to look into this topic at your own leisure. 

Here is a brief list of other defense mechanisms if you're curious which ones resonate with you: 

I build walls around me like armor but those walls soon become a cage of my own creation. I'm not laying out the seats awaiting a pity party - I just don't expect people to stay in my life, because when I gradually become less afraid of losing someone and I stop clinging so tightly onto that fear. The inevitable happens and my fear and fortress grow greater the next time. 

Much like fear in general our thoughts of what could happen are often far worse than the general thing we were worried about, to begin with. - It reminds me of this research: ' 85 percent of the things people worry about never happen.' 

Of course, there is a reason why we do develop these defences, even if things might not happen, somewhere down the line we develop them because they help to protect us in some way - or they used to be useful in keeping us safe. 

As we evolve so does the nature of our fears - if we have a new fear do not fret - this means that you have pushed yourself outside of your comfort zone and that is where growth is, 

[Food for thought] It can be useful to ask yourself - what are my defences? is this defence still serving me? how is it serving me? what is the origin of this defence? and if it is not serving your awareness is key in moving forwards to adapt to a mindset that is serving you.  

- Han